I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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