She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
