she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
why do cheetos always look like penises
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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