I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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