I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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