I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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