That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
