Just fell off a train. Bad.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
