Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
