never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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