so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
