im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
