Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
