Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
