my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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