I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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