Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize
