guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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