Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
