The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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