Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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