My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
