Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
