it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You smell like stripper and shame
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
