Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
