just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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