I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
