yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
drinking out of a sandbucket again
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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