remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
