she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize