Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
