I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
