I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
