I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
