I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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