as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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