I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
look no pants
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize