Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
birth control should be required to get into college
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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