If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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