It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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