so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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