made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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