i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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