I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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