were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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