Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Text me some of your sweat
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