seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
