brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
