A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
