If i come over, it means nothing
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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