dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
