We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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