FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
