dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
